Recently there have been so many TikToks, reels, and memes about the struggles of being an oldest daughter — many of which have been sent to me by my friends. I personally find them funny and relatable, and they’re a way to make light of what can be a psychologically damaging situation.
Oldest Daughter Syndrome
‘Oldest daughter syndrome’ refers to the oldest daughter (or sibling) being expected to pick up all of the excess mental load of domestic labour that their parents can’t. In extreme forms this can lead to parentification, which happens when the oldest daughter is expected to be her own parent or act as the parent to her siblings.
This creates a huge emotional and mental toll on her that her siblings don’t have. In turn, parentification can lead to anxiety, depression, and PTSD as she is forced to adjust to a role that she has no experience with. Younger siblings look up to the older ones, who are then expected to be the ones guiding them. Resentment can stem from being forced in their role by parents, or towards siblings because they don’t have the additional pressure on them.
Gender Roles
The reason more women experience this is because of stereotypical gender roles. Since women are expected to grow up to become mothers, why not gain experience with their own siblings? It is an extreme way for an oldest daughter to learn about how to balance the innerworkings of a family and domestic labour. Men, however can continue to be blissfully unaware of the mental toll of domestic labour, since they are expected to be the breadwinners.
Women are seen as naturally nurturing, and when you compound that with an oldest child’s nature to be responsible and do everything for their siblings -boom- you have everything you need to create oldest daughter syndrome.
Birth Order
Alfred Adler’s birth order theory attempts to explain how your birth order affects your psychology. He characterizes oldest children as having high expectations from their parents, they are given responsibility and are expected to set an example for their younger siblings. They are cautious but reliable people who attempt to achieve to their parents’ expectations. So, in the case of parentification they may adopt a ‘strict’ or ‘authoritarian’ approach.
My Experience
My friends would not hesitate to describe me as the ‘mom’ or ‘therapist’ friend. I have constantly been asked for advice by friends throughout my life. I believe this is because I’m comfortable in that role as an oldest daughter.
I am used to putting others before myself and I’ve had to be the organized one. Since I was raised by a single mother I’ve acted as a second parent to my brother, who frequently asks why I’m acting like mom. My father could not stay organized even if his life counted on it, so I was the one who was constantly asked to do things. From directions to practice to making sure we ate, it was my responsibility. I had to nag my brother and father so much just for anything to get done. Naturally, I struggled with my mom, since I still tried to be the parent when there was already someone to fill that role. So I got used to filling it only when she had to work.
Domestic labour wasn’t just limited to our house, I was expected to help out the adults — or shall I say women — with cooking. Did I mention I’m the oldest niece in my mom’s whole extended family? Every car ride to my cousins house my mom would tell me to help out with cooking, even if she wasn’t there majority of the time. She would tell my brother the same thing, but he would never care. I spent gatherings chatting with adults or holed up somewhere with a book for over half the time because my cousins and I didn’t have anything in common. At least it’s become less awkward as I’ve gotten older.
Lots has changed since then, although there definitely is resentment towards my family because I’m the one cooking and cleaning when mom has back-to-back shifts. Especially because my brother hasn’t been forced to learn these things yet.
My mother is an oldest daughter herself, so as a child I was frequently told to be a good example for my brother. Yet when I asked why he hasn’t learned to do things around the house she would always say because he’s younger and that I wasn’t doing that stuff at his age, even if I believed that I was.
I’ve also been dealing with anxiety for most of my life, which hit its all time high in my last two years of high school. My anxiety definitely contributes to my cautious nature, which I would get teased for by my brother when I was younger. Luckily, I’ve also been in therapy for most of my life and have been on my own journey learning about myself. Did I mention I also became a psychology major?
I’ve been facing my trauma head on for years and my brother has completely hid from his. I couldn’t tell you the exact reason why, but it definitely pisses me off that I’ve spent the majority of my life healing so that I could become a functioning adult, and he thinks he can do it with unresolved trauma and no knowledge of chores.
I remember my first visit back from university for Thanksgiving, and I was shocked but elated over the fact that I wasn’t asked to do any chores. But, that didn’t last unfortunately.
My experience with oldest daughter syndrome is mostly behind me thanks to my therapist, although there are definitely still expectations and responsibility from my mom.
Research Links
https://psychcentral.com/blog/birth-order-and-personality#firstborn-child
https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/eldest-daughter-syndrome-tiktok-oldest-encanto-b2294707.html
https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/relationships/a43529566/eldest-daughter-syndrome/
